Tiger Woods, after a two year drought has finally landed a new sponsor – A heat rub. You remember Tiger, right?.. The golfer who had the tawdry sex scandal that broke when his super model wife decided to extricate him from a drunken car crash using a 9-iron and a taser. (You may have read about it). In the carnage that followed, he bled millions when bellwethers like Accenture, AT&T, Gilette, and PepsiCo dropped him like a two-foot putt - $35 mil a year to be exact. Ouch! (Chris Brown just went, “SERIOUSLY DOG?!”)
But don’t cry for Tiger, he hasn’t wondered into M.C. Hammer territory just yet. (You can’t touch this.) He’s still leading the list of athlete-endorsers, pulling down $70 mil a year. And it looks like the scarlet letter is starting to come un-stitched (at least in Japan). The company Kowa Co. has signed on Tiger to sell A Japanese Heat Rub. Wait, isn’t this what got Tiger in trouble in the 1st place? (Heyyooooo.)
The pain-reducing heat rub is apropos considering Tiger has been noticeably absent on the links since re-injuring his knee and Achilles during The Masters. He skipped the U.S. Open for the first time in his career, and unless he starts bathing in this stuff daily - he's going to miss the British as well in a few weeks.
I came up with a couple of other potential sponsors that would be fitting for Tiger:
The Tiger Wood’s Lifehammer – This company has been helping people escape being trapped in vehicles for 25 years.
“When you absolutely have to free yourself before your wife does!”
The Tiger Wood’s Disposable Cell Phone – Available at Wal-Mart for 10 bucks.
“Make the ladies purr! Every phone comes with a free Sexy Tiger Text download.” (Additional downloads are $2.99.)
The Tiger Woods Bacon Scrambler at Perkins – It comes with a bowl of Frosted Flakes and a Miller High Life.
“Enjoy it here or take it out.”
The Tiger Woods Cell Phone Voice Distorter – Choose between Darth Vader, Donald Duck, and James Earl Jones.
“Hey! It’s me Darth... What are you wearing?”
The Tiger Woods Mistress Ball Marker Collection – Each marker depicts a scantily clad mistress. Collect all nine!
“In this game it’s important to always mark and clean your balls.”
